


The Things I've Done

by obiwankenboneme



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-03-03
Packaged: 2018-05-24 12:45:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6154152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obiwankenboneme/pseuds/obiwankenboneme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky has been trying to cope with the things he did as the Winter Soldier, but there are some things that just won't leave him. He's talked to Steve about his nightmares, but that doesn't stop them from existing, and the worst is when he sees the one person he'd give anything for among them. No nightmare could compare to the reality of what he'd done as the Winter Soldier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things I've Done

**Author's Note:**

> Still terrible at titles, but I hope you guys like this piece, as it's my first Bucky one, and I really wanted to write it! Sorry it's so angsty, and sad, but I just was feeling it at the time. Based off the prompt "Haunt Me" in which one character watches over another [as a ghost, watching from a distance, or otherwise, feel free to specify.]. 
> 
> I'd like to also formally apologize for how sad it may get, and also note that I don't actually think Bucky is a monster! That's just how I think a lot of people believe he views himself.

“It still haunts me in my sleep. I can’t close my eyes without seeing them there,” Bucky whispers.

He’s been coming to see Steve for the last few nights; having found it hard to sleep when his mind was plagued with so many deaths. Among them were some he knew, and some he couldn’t place names to, but their faces stared back at him like he must have known them at some point before all of this.

Licking his lips, Bucky looks up at Steve, who rubs at his own tired eyes. It makes something break in Bucky, feeling as though he’s treading on everyone’s toes even when they say he isn’t. He knows Steve will continue to tell him that he was perfectly fine with waking at the oddest hours of the night, but Bucky isn’t dumb. Even with the serum coursing through his veins, Steve was still the pipsqueak punk from Brooklyn Buck had grown up with, and sleep was a precious thing to man who lived through the horrors of a war, ongoing or in the past.

Rather than waiting for Steve to say something, Bucky stands up, heading towards the door and waving off Steve’s complaint. “It’s fine Stevey, get some sleep. I’ll be fine. Just got to get back into bed and I’ll probably be knocked out soon as my head hits the pillow.”

Both men know that’s not true, but neither say it out loud, afraid of pushing unknown barriers. Bucky heads straight to the door that leads outside, his head clearing a bit as he stares up at the stars and the moon. He’s still in awe of it, despite the years he’s spent staring up at them all alone. Every star has seen the blood on his hands, yet they can’t judge him. All those damn stars could do was hang up there in the sky and mock him.

The sound of padding feet against the grass makes him look over his shoulder, his heart catching in his throat. Y/N stood there, staring up at the sky, looking no different than they had when Bucky had last seen them. He knew they weren’t there; knew they were just a figment of his imagination, just like all those dead souls that screamed and touched him late at night, wanting revenge but unable to attain it. While he had survived, they had passed, and he had taken it from them without a second thought.

A hand brushes his skin, making Bucky jump, finding Y/N right beside him, ghostly hand pressed to his metal arm. “The stars are awfully beautiful tonight, aren’t they James?”

There’s a lump in his throat; one that won’t go away no matter how much he swallows. Nodding, he reaches his right hand over his chest and places it on top of Y/N’s. It doesn’t land right on his metal arm though, and Bucky wants so badly to cry, because none of this was fair. Whatever game his mind was playing with him wasn’t fun anymore, and he feels his heart breaking.

“Yeah they are doll. Not as beautiful as you though.”

The tinkling laugh he gets in response reminds him so much of them, and Bucky has to squeeze his eyes closed so he couldn’t see the action itself. It would only prove to make his nights more restless. Leaving them behind in the 40s was hard enough, but seeing them in his every nightmare and dream was beginning to tear him apart.

Lips press to his cheek, and it feels so real that he _has_ to lean into it, exhaling. His eyes are pinched closed, but he doesn’t need to look to know that they’re slowly fading, just like every time.

“You always knew how to make me smile James. I miss you so much Buck…I love you.”

Only then does he finally let the sobs rack his body; crushing him down onto the earth as he feels every last fiber of his sanity disappearing. Y/N was his everything, and he’d lost them. Lost them to time and things he couldn’t change or fix now that he was here. His fingers dig into the earth, his tears mixing with the fresh dew as he lets all the emotions out. When he’s finished, Bucky wipes at his eyes, head falling back to look up at the stars. From his position, they look even smaller, like they’d moved further away from the Earth.

Someday… _someday_ he was going to get there, and he was going to rip every star out so they couldn’t see his bloody deeds. So they couldn’t mock him for the things he’d done wrong anymore. He’d rip all of them out, if only to rid himself of the memories of what he’d done to Y/N. Even in his worst nightmares couldn’t compare to the things he’d done in reality. Looking back at his hands, all he can see is the blood of the one person he cared for, and it breaks every part of him. He was a monster, and now every star in the night sky knew it too.


End file.
